The Pillars of Virtue

Mindfulness

The second in a series of six posts on how monastic practices can help us to reflect on the life style we live.

“Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we can’t be in touch with life” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Mindfulness is taking a moment, sometimes a long moment, out to remember your self. It may be half an hour and it might be a minute but it is clarity and meaning dictated to you by no one and nothing outside yourself. It is a brief connection to reality and truth.

I forget who I am when I return from work. I hustle and bustle at work- I am ‘me’ there  but only a part of me and I emphasise the parts of me that work best for other people to be the best I can be at my job. I am internalised but assertive on the Tube and as I make my way home. It would be a very insensible thing to be ‘submissive Indigo’ at work or on my way home, just as it would be silly to be ‘work Indigo’ at home. I do not have to choose a self, neither do you. You are more complex and more delightful than any one word.

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different”– James Baraz”

I soak up the world. I think many submissives do this as we are so focussed on our relations to others- maybe the same could be said of those with dominant personalities. I find myself dragged down by the horror of suffering, by the pain, unkindness and hatred I see around me. I serve the world, as we must all do, to try to reduce the pain of it but then I refresh myself. I need to find my stillness so that I may return to the world refreshed, so that I may share my life with my lover and so that I may be in my life with me.

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”
― Amit Ray

Mindfulness allows us to choose our focus, rather than have little puppy minds that follow wherever the noise or movement is. We can train our brains to focus on the moment we are in or the person we are with.

“You/I can’t spank me/you now. I am not in the mood, I had a terrible day at work and it just doesn’t feel right.” This (very normal) person cannot bring their brain to this moment and this relationship.  They are stressed and cannot control their thoughts. This makes them unhappy and stops them from linking in to the experience that would soothe them.

“Don’t believe everything you think. Thoughts are just that – thoughts.”
― Allan Lokos,

Part of our lifestyle is mindfulness. It is an acute awareness of our actions and behaviours affect others and we are amongst the view adults who may be reprimanded for our ‘attitude’. As the bottom in the relationship I may get spanked for this, my boyfriend may let me down if he is not self aware. I think being spanked is the easier end of the deal.

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” Thich Nhat Hanh

We must understand that how we feel about an event at this moment is not the truth. It is a snapshot that will fade. We become aware of the inner and eternal truth. For example, I can choose to snap and argue with my boyfriend because he has annoyed me. I may have a very good reason to be annoyed and allowing myself to give into that emotion feels great. But the reaction to anger and unkindness is not the truth of who we are and who I am. Mindfulness is learning to yield when I wish to fight. It is bending and staying still when I wish to run. It is allowing myself to feel sorrow at my actions because I can be aware of the long truth of us rather than how I felt in an instant.

“The Way to do is to be.” Lao Tzu

You are the person you want to be. It is here in this instant. And this one. Your mind unfurls like a flower at dawn for you to accept the light and beauty of truth.

“Keep your heart clear
And transparent,
And you will
Never be bound.
A single disturbed thought
Creates ten thousand distractions.”

– Ryokan

Suggestions

• Some implements are meaningful. We each have implements that mean a great deal to us- to me the cane and belt carry such deep resonance that I struggle to understand what these connections mean to me. Be aware of what implements are meaningful to you and appreciate their meaning.
• Find a method of stillness that works for you. This may be in the bath, walking, running, drawing, being restrained, even actual meditation..
• Remember that all aspects of you are ‘real you’ and do not become impatient or despairing of yourself when you have difficulty allowing yourself to travel from one you to the other.
• At least once a day try to do just one thing at a time. So many of us multi task so often that we do not even realise we are doing so. Turn the radio off, put the phone aside and for ten minutes do the one task with your full attention. If you’re a submissive you may choose to do something for the one you love- but it does not matter if you are single or a dominant. It is the focus that matters.
• When I perform fellatio upon my boyfriend I do so with total concentration and dedication. I do not focus on making him orgasm but rather on each, individual element of touch , and the pleasure I can give him in exactly that moment. This is an excellent way to start to practise mindfulness.
• Try to be aware of the lies you tell yourself. It takes time to do this. These lies are little distractions from the truth of your life.
• Observe your thoughts and feelings during a calm punishment/session. How many of your thoughts are in the moment? How many are distractions?