A couple of weeks ago I fell over. I was on top of a cliff and the view was amazing so I took great care with my steps all the way until I stepped back from the edge. I had some miles to cover and was doing my hike at a bit of a trot. I caught my foot in a tree root and had that horrid moment when one is completely airborne and knows that very soon everything is going to hurt a lot. I landed with all my weight on my upper arm on a pointed rock. For a few moments I lay totally still and silent on the ground and when I was able I moved myself a little and the pain arrived. There was a lot of it – and now I know how I deal with a lot of pain.
Dear Reader, I shouted “Ow.” I shouted it as loud as I could and I shouted it for about a minute. That landing really, really flipping hurt. And not for one second did I even consider shedding a tear. I shook, I even felt a little faint and had to lie down for a moment. But not the thought of a tear came to my eye.
Physical pain does not make me cry. It can frighten me, make me angry, make me anxious and even make me sick but it does not make me cry. I am certain I share this quality with a lot of people.
I have been told that I am not easy to be in charge of. I think that may be true. I have a strong will and, again I can only go by what I have been told, a hard bottom. I am not designed for a weak man. I am the kind of girl to raise one eyebrow and think to myself, “You had better bring your A game.” But recently a punishment took- it really had an effect on me and I want to write about exactly why it took.
I think I am writing this for Tops. I rarely write for Tops (although I am gratified if they read me and love it when they comment) but this is for them.
The reason I wanted to talk about crying at first is that some people (me included) have crying as an indication of whether or not a punishment spanking has had an impact and it may well be but not always. No matter what it is useful to separate the idea of pain and punishment, making it hurt more does not necessarily make it take more, it is a more subtle art than that. I appreciate Tops know that but it is worth considering.
The punishment that took – I can feel it now, it reaches deep into me, it stays with me. The specific thing I was spanked for I would not do again.
I want to try to describe what it is about that kind of experience
The Threat
“You are in so much trouble.”
I knew I was. I was very worried he would do something where we were. I knew he would not take my knickers down but he has been known to give a public swat and I know he would not be shy about detailing what he was going to do to me. I get very shy in public, he does not. He also makes good on his threats. He will not promise something and not do it. I could not look at him because he scared me then. He also is good at glares, think Victorian headmaster. A threat and a glare followed by a period of enforced waiting start to have an impact on a girl. It is not fear of pain, it is embarrassment of someone else deciding that you are to be punished for something in their own time.
The Business Like Nature
There was nothing I could do once we returned to his space. He broke the cigarettes and put one in my mouth. The taste of it was surprisingly unpleasant, not terrifying but ignoble and unwelcome. He moves swiftly but without shaking. He does not make any show of nerves. I believe that he knows everything that is about to happen. He has made his mind up and I know that. When he is like this he takes up more space than normal and I don’t want to be near him. I gravitate to the edge of rooms and forget what I normally do with my hands.
The Telling Off
I could have died. He made me stand in front on him and he made me look at him, in the eye. He held my chin and made me meet his eyes.
“You are a grown woman and you are capable of waiting for a punishment but you seem to need an immediate punishment like a child, so if you want to behave like a child I am going to treat you like one.” There was more but I am not telling you what it was. I can tell you I was spanked with my knickers around my ankles but the being told off bit makes me so shy that I want to fall over.
But right there- I was all done in. I felt so embarrassed, really just wanted to ground to take me away. He was right. And it is not how he normally speaks to me. I wanted my dignity back. I wanted not to be treated like that. Before my knickers were lowered, before he had laid leather on flesh he was going to win.
It should be noted that there was a specific focus on what I had just done (let’s just say I did what I ought not to have done) and that is the punishment that really took. He verbally linked that behaviour to the paddling that followed. I can’t imagine that I would ever repeat that behaviour.
Please don’t assume you can mention something once and then spank us for it and assume we will forever link the two. Take your time when you tell us off, don’t rush this bit and don’t assume we know what you spank us for, even if you have told us before it is up to you to make us remember exactly what it is that you want to discourage.
Therefore, what I was caned for, I will not do for ages but I can imagine it happening again. The connection needs to be solid, it needs to be reiterated. DJ assures me he knows all this so it will be no surprise to him. He will cope.
The Position
I did not realise this until recently but he has a method. I sometimes get spanked while I am laid over his knees on the bed, all comfy and safe but that never happens when I am in proper trouble. When I am in trouble he sits on a chair and I go over his lap and my legs and arms dangle either side of him. I really dislike being spanked like that. It means I can’t go off in my head because I have to use my arms for balance. I feel like my bum is more exposed. I have to concentrate to keep my legs together. It annoys and scares me that he uses his left arm to hold me in place and sometimes he clamps my legs in his to make me still when I struggle.
In short, I am only ever in the position when I am in trouble and once he has me there there is nothing I can do to get out of it until he decides. Just writing this and thinking about being in that position makes me feel ill at ease.
The spanking
The paddling was only the first part of the spanking but it is the paddling that specific and stays with me. It was very hard; he has a mean leather paddle. It does not bruise me so I don’t have to worry about that.
He takes care of me; he would never harm me so I know that he is in charge and I can’t wrestle control from him by pointing out that he is doing it wrong. He can do as much as he thinks is right, there is no reason to stop. I struggled and he held me tight- he had to. He did it until I gave in and a bit further. I remember how hard it was right from the start and I remember sincerely telling him that it was too hard that I could not take what he was doing. This did not make him stop (or have any impact) and it was this part of the spanking that made it so effective.
The follow up
Now this is going to make some of you a bit wide eyed but the follow up was two extended periods of corner time with a very intense 30 (I think but it could have been more) strokes with the dragon cane in between. But this is not what made it take. The caning and the corner times had to happen because he said they would. If he had not done them then future threats would not work. I will write more about corner time and really hard canings at some future point.
I know, because he told me later, that the spanking took about 15 minutes. The corner time was very long and hard. The caning was incredibly hard. But the caning and the corner time were both follow up.
Tops, lean in close because I am going to whisper this, the whole game will most likely be won or lost before you have even touched her. Take your time, be specific, use your brain and your words before you even think about using your hands.
*
I would love to know what other people in my position (the spanked rather than the spanker) think on this topic- what makes a punishment take for you?
*
Just so you do not think me hard as nails, films can reduce me to such sobs that an unwarned observer may think my family has been accosted by evil aliens. Adverts can do the same thing, as can worrying about the birds in winter, frogs crossing the road or hedgehogs getting separated from their mates. If you need me I will be laid on the floor under a blanket. I would appreciate some chocolate.
