Winnie The Pooh can teach us almost anything, certainly anything we need to know. The silly little details like how to get a mortgage or flight details can be found on the Internet but for all the good stuff – listen to the bear.
When girls like me first find out that we are like this, we are not at all sure what ‘this’ is. We know we get all stammary and red when people talk about spanking and we know we get tense when a man that wants to date us won’t make a decision but that is about all we know. And so we end up talking to lots of new people. Some of these people can seem terribly knowledgeable and they are eager to tell us all about everything and how it works.
We are trustful little bears and we listen.
And then all too soon we end up with them wanting to see our bottoms (our real or imagined bottoms) and we realise that they are not interested in what is going on in the rest of us at all.
They just talk about things that make them interested and things that are all about them. They lack the skills of making us feel safe enough to trust them with our hearts and our bottoms.
We feel a bit stuck then, embarrassed and a bit silly. I made a bad choice and do not know how to free myself.
I must have the brain of a small bear when these people come and try to see if they can get me to their world. When this happened in the past I would be polite and struggle to see past what they said to the reality of the life they suggested. When the promises and the reality did not match I would sit quietly and sometimes assume it was all my fault. It made me very sad.
This tender, hopeful part of us matters and as it is all secretive and quiet and we can’t just go and get a library book about it or ask our best friend. We can’t ask the person that wants to tell you because they just want to look at our bottoms. Girls like me find this difficult, we have to assertive and adventurous but it is worth it to find what we need.
We have to look in very dark places because that is where secret things live.
But when we do that on our own we can get confused and it can all feel a bit much. We search for our most delicate needs, holding them before us like a lantern in the dark and we can be faced with sights and sounds that threaten to swallow the light we have.
Little bears like us that need these things are not the kind of bears who are happy in dark places.
So we stop and think.
We realise we have lost something.
We can’t find it in dark places because they are not good for us.
We meet other people just like us. They are looking too.
Then this is what happens if you are very, very lucky.
You find someone safe and somewhere safe to be, to explore yourself and to shine.
In my case, I was sought out by a man. He courted me with care, trod softly around me and let me slip my hand into his. He has created space for me to feel safe in, invited me into his home, introduced me to his world and now, finally, given me a safe place for me to speak my words.
Being protected, provided for and taken care of was a very odd sensation and a bit bumpy at first.
Little bears don’t understand new things and they have to have some time to work out what is going on.
The best kind of people that understand little bears and take to them safe places know this and don’t pay much attention to snarling and grumping of little bears.
And then this next thing might happen.
This is what happened to me.
I found my small. This small was with me all along and I did not know or maybe it scared me a bit.
My small is my way of being when I am not in charge and what I want is not what is going to happen. My small tells me I am loved and that I can allow myself to flourish.
My way of being small is accepting that sometimes I don’t make all my decisions and instead of making those I can just settle down and let myself be loved. I can whisper all my desires and not shock the man who loves me. I can be what I have always hidden away.
It was always there waiting to be found. I just had to look all around to find it.
It is all good now.
I don’t need to go into dark places. I can go to places that are erotic, exciting, challenging but never unkind or exploitative.
I don’t need to listen to people who are not good for me. I can turn away from them and silence them.
I have found a small within me and the best kind of big who puts his arms around me.
And when I write words, I can push them across the table and say, “Here- I wrote this for you.”
