I am telling this because I think maybe some other girls are on a similar path, maybe they will read this and see their own journey and we can keep each other company on the way.
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I got told off the other day, not really told off but that is how it feels for a girl like me.
I am learning a new career in which I deal with a lot of people and some of them are very difficult and I find it hard to learn the skills of calm assertiveness. My boss told me I have started to curl up when I am challenged by some of these people and that I visibly retreat. I am not resolute and unfazed in the face of attack- I used to be in my previous career. I am not now. I feel like a beginner.
He is right about how I have changed and I loathe that he is. He was very kind and said he would do whatever he can to help me get back my ability to look aggression in the eye. I love the company I work for and feel great loyalty to my boss; I can’t bear to let him down.
That he still trusts me tells me a lot.
But the idea of that trust and what I must do makes me shake. I have to not shake any more. I have to be fearless, not just in front of some people but in front of all the people. I have to understand why some people are so hard to stand up to.
This is what I realised- I submit to the wrong people. I submit to the wrong situations.
For example, when I am attacked I open my heart and focus everything on the person that attacks me. I listen to every word and every possible aspect of the ways I may have failed and let all the guilt and pain soak in to me.
I try to defend myself and explain why they are wrong. I also think very hard about if I have done anything to deserve such criticism. I am not talking about the valid and constructive criticism of my boss, just about the times when someone attacks me for their own reasons and delectation.
Girls like us (maybe all people) should be drawn to people like my boss and people like DJ because they tell us off in a caring, thoughtful and constructive manner. We should be drawn to people who want to build us up and not those who tear us down.
Despite this, when I am told off by DJ I shut my eyes and my ears and I will not yield. I resolve to fight him utterly. I lose the words he says so that he has to repeat himself two minutes later and two days later. I cannot remember what he says.
I compare this to a totally invalid and untrue accusation from a horrid person I received a few months ago and I can remember every word of that.
When my boss gives me a project that is vital for everyone I work with I ignore his trust in me and open my consciousness to the possibility of failure.
When I read some bit of bile on the internet, hatred, unkindness or untruth I let the words echo in my brain like ball bearings in a pin ball machine. It is never about me but about a group I identify with; women, girls that get spanked, and the like. I take it as much to heart as if my own mother said it.
When I walk in the mountains with DJ so the sun is on our backs and below us the lake stretches out so far that its toes and fingertips reach a hundred little shores. I let the moment pass me and instead allow my head to fill with worry about where I should be and what tasks I should be doing.
I continue to soak up the views and comments of those ignorant and rude people who neither care for me nor know me, and I cast aside the constructive support of the wise and kind people.
Why do I do this? Do you ever do this? I know am not alone.
How often have you found your attention grasped by unkind people? How many peaceful moments have you sacrificed to abstract worries about your imagined duties or responsibilities?
I think this is something some submissive people are more likely to do. I think we are outwardly motivated and the skill of being selective about our motivators is highly important to us more than most.
The events and people who hurt you are likely to continue to do so. These situations will not alter. These situations and people are rarely caused by us and cannot be altered by us. They will not change. If you and I wish to protect ourselves the change must be internal rather than external.
Sunflowers turn towards the sun as it offers the nutrients to sustain the plant. We must learn to have at least the same capacity for sensible decisions as this plant. We must turn away from that which does not sustain us and towards that which does.
If we open our hearts and minds to the people who care for us, support us then we shall be transformed and enriched, just as the sunflower is by the sun.
This sounds easy and beautiful – like a greetings card that I might put up on my fridge.
But – how does one actually go about making this change? Because although I can see how logical the idea is of ‘turn towards that which sustains you and away from that which harms you’ is – I don’t think I know how to do it on a daily basis.
I do not know how women like me learn to submit in the right way.
I find myself over his lap with my fists in a tight little ball, my heart clenched even tighter. I ask myself to relax and let this be. I cannot. I love him, I trust him and I know that he has improved every element of my life. But I am stubborn, more thorn than sunflower.
If possible I would like to be as open to DJ, whom I love dearly as I am to the internet stranger or the work colleague who I see once a month.
I think some of us may have the same issue. So I will suggest two ideas here for you to try if you wish.
This is what I am trying.
- I journal. I answer questions chosen by DJ (from a selection I have written). I answer these by writing the answers as that gives me time to reflect and this makes me more honest. After I have written my answers DJ reads them. We talk about what I have written, sometimes he spanks me but it always ends up with me in his arms feeling wonderful about the world and myself. I will write about journaling – I send all these writings to DJ so I do not know when he will put up my piece about journaling.
- I speak to DJ about things I have read or people that have spoken to me that made me feel bad. I tell him what my concerns are and I listen to his views. This is simple and it helps us both. He is the kind of person who thrives on guiding others, on mentoring the woman he loves. I listen to his heart beat as he talks. I do this almost every day. It does not take long. It reasserts our roles every day. It clears my mind and my day. It reminds me that DJ’s views are more important to me than anyone else’s.
- I have key sites that I look at every day. These places are the first and last sites I go to every day. I love to explore all kinds of sites but some of them jar with my view of life and make me feel inadequate or dirty. So I find places that enrich me and reassure me that my choice to be as I am is a good choice. The sites that help you may not be the same as mine. But mine include: Scarlets Real Magic, Miss Harpers World and Sub-girly-girl.
If any of you have ideas that help you please add them in comments. I will read them and other people will read them. We can be like a field of sunflowers, or a group of happy submissive people with happy, fulfilled lives. Either way, I can’t think of a more beautiful way to be.
